You've Been Warned.......

"In the world I see....you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Tower. And when you look down, you'll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying strips of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned super-highway." - Chuck Palahniuk

"It is always simply a matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. The people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the peacemakers for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country." - Hitler's propaganda chief Herman Goerring

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mom family history, lotsa links, celtic

I am so fucking glad this week is over. I miss my happiness from vacation. I knew that it couldn't last forever, but....fuck! A lot of what's gone on this week with both me and baby is my mother. Anyone who personaly knows me, knows that "my mother" is really all I have to say. Everyone else.....it's so hard to explain.

When most people say that one of their parents are crazy, they don't mean it literally. I do. 10 years ago both my parents got an early retirement from the federal government for mental disability. Both of them have been institutionalized several times, but my mother far more than my dad.

My dad suffers from depression. Several things factor into his depression: Vietnam, his father was an alcoholic who sexually abused other boys in the neighborhood, his father abandoned him and his 2 siblings when dad was 14 & he was the oldest, my father was always one step from homelessness and starvation growing up, his only son (my brother) is a convicted pedophile, his only daughter was abused by his son both physically and sexually for the first 16 years of her life and dad didn't know, he had to testify in court against his son and hear the atrocities that my brother committed, his wife.

My Mother is different. She also had to go thru all the hell that was 1995.....the year that I finnaly spoke about the abuse and stopped it. January 7, 1995 4:30am...to be exact. I wish I didn't remember it so well, but I do. Anyhow.....she grew up in a fairly privledged home from the outside. She was rich. I never knew her parents, but I've never had the impression that they were very loving. That's about the worst hard-ship I know of that she's had. I have very few good memories of my mom growing up. Mostly I just remember that the most important thing was to be invisible, b/c if she noticed you....who knew what would happen this time. Maybe nothing. Maybe being beaten with the leather belt, tree branch or "switch", whatever was closest to her. Maybe locked in your room for hours on end. Maybe locked outside in the Florida summer all day while she's at work with no shade or water and then punish you for being sick when she got home. Destroy the house that you spent all day cleaning so you had to clean it again b/c you didn't do it right. Ground you for having friends. Ground you for not having friends. Ground you for dating. Ground you for breaking up with them. Call up your friends and call them whores. Tell you every day that you're fat, that you're stupid, that you'll never amount to anything unless you marry into something, that you're a whore, that she knows you've gotten pregnant and had a baby and done "something" with it, that you're out to get her, that you hate her, that you talk about her to everyone, that you're sneaking around, beaten for not starting my period when I was nine and beaten every year for it until I was 16 when I finnaly had a period, that she KNOWS what you've been up to and when she has the proof my ass is hers. So many memories. So many bruises.

My father is an abused spouse and anyone who thinks that only women can be abused are full of shit. Men can be too. My father was too afraid to stand up after a while. She nearly shot him once. As far as I know, she only hit him once, but has never let him forget that he hit her back. For over 10 years they didn't even sleep in the same bedroom. Until I moved out on my own I didn't know what it was like to be in a place and not hear yelling. If they were awake and in the same building...they were screaming every vulgarity, insult, low-blow and threat they thought of. I really wish I was stretching the truth here. I was in the 3rd grade when I first remember hearing mom scream insults about dad's performance in the bedroom thru the house. It was so normal for them to call us in front of them and make us choose sides of the argument. Even if we didn't catch what started it. You had to pick mom. Dad wouldn't beat you if you didn't choose him. I always wanted to pick dad. I'm so sorry dad. They always told us they were getting a divorce and we had to choose who we wanted to live with. You had to pick mom. By the time I was in the 5th grade I had my first suicide attempt.

People have a hard time understanding that she's insane. Truly. I wasn't able to grasp this until only about 6-7 years ago & it still took a few more years for me to really fully accept it. As far as I know she's been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder, bipolar, manic, borderline paranoid schizophrenia, personality disorder, chronic depression...can't remember what else. She has a plastic grocery bag that is completely full of pills. I don't know what all they are...she won't let anyone near them. She's been in therapy for 10 years and has only gotten worse. The violence is better. Physically. She believes the "blessed mother" comes and visits her on a regular basis and she always knows b/c the blessed mother leaves the scent of baby powder on her hands. Their cat is the reincarnation of my aborted baby sister. We were raised Southern Baptist, so I'm not sure how this works in.

She goes thru cycles. when she's up...she's just normal mother annoying tinged with a little eccentricness...when she's down...she's dangerous. 2 years ago I almost had her Baker Act'd. I should have, but it's my fucking mother. I've completely cut them out of my life in the past, but they're the only living relative who will be in my daughters life. Not one of her blood relative does the kid have other than her mother. Sometimes all of this shit doesn't really bother me...other times... My whole life I've always felt like I was going crazy and I've always feared that with every fiber in my being. My mother seems to being going down. It started the beginning of this week. I try not to let it affect me, but.....I keep throwing up, I can't sleep again, I'm breaking out again, a clump of my hair came out last night, I kept us up until after 5am crying last night.....and once again I feel like I'm headed back to the assylum. mom has an uncle who died in the nut house.

Lady and Lord, please don't let me become crazy like my mother. Please don't let me die in a mental institution. PLease don't let my wife and kid come home to find me dead.

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things I found when I was trying to take my mind off shit.............