You've Been Warned.......

"In the world I see....you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Tower. And when you look down, you'll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying strips of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned super-highway." - Chuck Palahniuk

"It is always simply a matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. The people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the peacemakers for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country." - Hitler's propaganda chief Herman Goerring

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Sarah's gone to Utah.......

So........it's over. I haven't written about pookie and trouble in a long time b/c I just couldn't take it anymore. Kindof hard to take a break from raw emotions when you write about them everyday, so I quit writing about it. T moved to Utah a couple of months ago, but that really didn't change anything. T had long quit talking to us, other than making the odd small talk at work to me. P's last day at work was the 22nd (kid's birthday) & she left some time this afternoon for Utah. Yesterday P insisted on taking us out to a good-bye lunch & I will forever be truly greatful to her for telling the kid & baby goodbye.

So where does this leave me and baby and the kid? Well, having it officially end was pretty hard on all 3 of us. I was actually shocked to see baby take it so hard. We've been dealing with this for around 10 months now and it's taken it's toll. 10 months. Damn. 7 years of friendship with p, but it's ok. It's gonna be ok cause this is exactly how it's meant to be. Baby and I have said for years now that we needed to make friends with a couple that has at least 1 kid & we've still not done that. Anytime another friend was made at all, we felt some weird kindof guilt. P didn't do anything to cause said guilt, but for whatever reason she never liked anyone that we kindof liked.

If P's gonna spend her life with T, then they also need friends who don't have kids b/c in the almost 6 years that baby and I have been back together, P never got over the fact that we're not gonna go out bar hopping while my baby's left with babysitters to abuse her. The friendship with T was doomed anyhow b/c she never let us forget how much younger she was than us. It seemed to cause her a great deal of stress and there were many times that she'd interpret things we'd say or do and feel that the age difference played a part. Maybe being out in Utah will somehow give her peace with her age. I hope so.

I hope that all of their problems will somehow stay behind in Florida. That they'll start telling each other everything. EVERYTHING. I hope that they'll set boundaries and keep them. I hope that P will take the jump to freedom and get herself (and in the end T also) out from under her mother's vicious cycle of control. I hope that they make friends that they both like and not just one or the other. I hope that T starts pitching in more with housework and that P starts enjoying outdoorsy stuff. I hope they both decide to start dealing with their childhood abuse. I hope.........lotsa things.

I don't want another best friend other than my wife again. I said this last time I lost a best friend (minus the wife part), so I know the odds. We're gonna go to meeting/events with St.Pete for Peace, People's Solidarity Commitee-Uhuru, Tampa GLBT Parenting Group, MS groups, & try to network in the pagan community too. P never really got into all that stuff as much as we did and T refused, so it'll be ok. I know T hates us. I know she never really liked us to begin with, but we did truly like her in the beginning. That's all ok too. I've been glad that T is gone so that we can stop pretending that everything's ok. Ya know? P doesn't have to be in the middle anymore. Baby doesn't have to be in the middle anymore. I don't have to be in the middle anymore.

Baby's gonna meet people in school. The kid's gonna make new friends this year in school. They're gonna move on with their lives and we're gonna move on with ours. It seems that the last 10 months...we've been frozen. Now we can move on. If I hadn't already been mourning my friend for the last 10 months I don't think I could have handled yesterday. Or today. It helped prepare me by the fact that I'd been mourning already. Yesterday I was strong for my family, but today baby had to be strong for me. It's ok. It's going to be just fine because all of this, ALL of this, happened exactly the way it was supposed to happen.

So, was there anything I never said to T that I would have in a perfect world? You took my best friend from me? I wish P had never met you? I'm glad that you're gone? No. It was all meant to be. I had P for 7 years and that's a blessing. The good times I had with you were a blessing. If you're still looking into following Buddah, then you'd understand.

Anything to P? I guess there will always be things left unsaid between you and I. There was once a time when I was hopelessly in love with you. There was a time when I hated you. Neither one of those is true any longer & I don't think that's a bad thing. Do you? I will never forget you. You will always hold a place in our hearts. You will always be Des's Aunt Pookie. We'll always have the Outer Banks, The Dominican Republic, acid trips in your car parked in the yard for hours on end, nipple rings, foot tattoos, freaking out grocery store baggers, puke on our living room floor, camping in the freezing cold, queens of the only gay bar in town, boobie-hugs, a broken couch, puke in shoes, lost nose ring, creepy papaya on acid, sand breast, & drunken cat chasing. Good luck. Be careful. Goddess speed.

9:47 p.m. - Thursday, Jul. 28, 2005

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