You've Been Warned.......

"In the world I see....you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Tower. And when you look down, you'll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying strips of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned super-highway." - Chuck Palahniuk

"It is always simply a matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. The people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the peacemakers for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country." - Hitler's propaganda chief Herman Goerring

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Update#1

I'm gonna do my best to breathe about….well…I can't really type that because of needing to protect myself from the man…breathe about "what's going on". I will eventually be able to get on a computer from home and then I will write in much further detail. Having said that…..I REALLY love my job and my bosses and everything about this place. I hope to work here forever. I understand fully why they've implemented the new security systems at work and it's being done very fairly across the board and no personal rights have been violated at all. At all. Nobody has talked to a lawyer about any of it. We are at war with Oceania. We have ALWAYS been at war with Oceania.

Why is the best place to put my walkman, in order to get the LEAST amount of static picking up WMNF, is on my chesticles?? Is EVERYTHING in love with funbags?? And yes, I have tried other parts of my body to see if it will work as well…and it doesn't! Gotta really love WMNF. I'm gonna miss it when we move, but we can still pick it up via the internet, I guess. Thursday's are the most interesting mix on that station. We can't pick it up in our house, so I can only listen to it at work and in the car. @ 6pm they have NPR news and then every night it's different until 11pm (The Eleventh Hour - alternative/college radio). On Thursdays you have Celtic music from 7-9 and then from 9-11 you have gothic/industrial music. God I love it! Makes your head hurt just thinking about it.

One of the new rules @ work is that we are no longer allowed to send any personal emails, so I'm gonna type up my diary entries using my Outlook, but I'M NOT GONNA SEND IT per the rules & it says also that we can use the internet occasionally as long as we're not on there too long, so I figure once a week (prob on Friday's) I'll log onto my diary and just quickly copy & paste what I've saved. Then I'm not sending any personal emails using my Outlook, I'm only on the internet occasionally and briefly, and I'm not loosing my mind. Hopefully not loosing my mind any worse than what I've already been going thru. It'll make my entries long, but only once a week.

I honestly have been trying to remember (and I can't) when the last time I got thru a whole day without completely breaking down into hysterical sobs. I'm drinking wine every night just to calm my nerves and try to get a couple hours of sleep. I'm going to bed around 6-7am anymore. I hurt myself last night. It had been a long time since I've done that. I haven't told baby yet, and I don't want to tell her. She's already made herself sick worrying about me as it is. She's cried every day this week because of worrying about me. (The Celtic music is helping to relax me I must admit) I threw a whole bunch of shit across the room and somehow the calculator didn't break into a thousand pieces. I dyed my hair black for the first time Saturday. Baby said I might as well go ahead and see how it looks because I should dye my hair to match my mood. I like it a lot and it does match my mood. It's a blue-black & that's definitely now I feel…blue & black.

You know, the only place I've ever lived that felt like home was West Virginia. The ONLY place. I still feel more like a West Virginian than a Floridian and I was born in Florida. All my years combined, I've lived in Florida longer than any one state, but WV has my soul. I don't know how else to describe it. I thought I needed the ocean again to feel in my cosmic home, but when my very being aches for comfort and home and I close my eyes……..mountains. Blue Ridge mountains. WV. You know, that state that has no real stable job market above the poverty line and isn't welcoming to queers any more than most places in this forsaken country. Western Mass seems to look a lot like WV. Seems to be close to the ruralness of WV. I can't even picture me living in New England. Yankee country. Wow. WV is the farthest north I've ever lived and it's still technically under the Mason-Dixon line. We know that Mass is open-minded & we know that we can have our marriage legalized there. Before we move up to Mass, we are stopping over for at LEAST a week or 2 in WV. I will save $ for as long as I have to. I need to climb up to the old Confederate graveyard in Harpers Ferry and look onto the Shenandoah and the Potomac rivers smashing into each other (----> <----) way down deep into the valley they've cut into the mountain over millions of years. The little town sliding down the mountainside to meet the choppy waters. Behind you the Appalacian Trail opening for it's pit-stop in town. Jefferson Rock (where Sam-girl covered me in Boone's Farm and licked it off in her drunken state so many years ago during my college days. I NEVER let her live that down.) The white ghost of a woman, whom I can't remember her name anymore, walking across the old train bridge. I saw her one Samhain with my own eyes. She was beautiful, but very sad. I need to sit on the wall in Shepherdstown & listen to spontaneous jam sessions of the local musicians. Watch an old foreign film while sitting on the pillow I brought in the Old Opera House. Ice cream from the Pharmacy & a steak-&-cheese from Tony's. Stop in and see how much the Contemporary American Theatre Festival's grown since I apprenticed there so many years ago. Forgiving Typhoid Mary's still the greatest play I ever worked on. I was useful at the CATF. I was good there. I was needed there. I was happy there. The town animals that everyone takes turns feeding and checking up on and how they're allowed to just wonder in and out of any home or business in town. Everyone's a friend in Shepherdstown. Climbing up on the monument that overlooks the cliffs down to the Potomac & the bridge & the Bavarian Inn with Beth on our break and….getting happy. In WV it gets dark at night. In WV it's quiet. The water's clean enough to drink and swim in. The ocean here in Florida isn't anymore. The "drinking" water never was when I was little here. I didn't expect the ocean to not be safe.

In Mass there's a huge pagan community that I've found on the internet. I've found 4 different pagan festivals during the year so far & 3 different Celtic festivals. I've wanted to visit Salem my entire life. I've always wanted Destiny to visit there. The only real reason we're settling on Mass is because it's the only place in the land of the free where we're treated as citizens of the country that we were born in. But maybe it's meant to be, ya know? Western Mass, as I've said, is comparable to WV. I haven't had much opportunity to check on the cost of living, but what I have found it seems that as long as you stay away from the coast….not too bad. Goddess knows Florida is expensive, so odds are…it's cheaper up there then what we're dealing with now (wow….WMNF has now switched to goth/industrial muzak…wow)

10:50 p.m. - Thursday, Aug. 25, 2005

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