"In the world I see....you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Tower. And when you look down, you'll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying strips of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned super-highway." - Chuck Palahniuk
"It is always simply a matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. The people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the peacemakers for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country." - Hitler's propaganda chief Herman Goerring
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No time to write happy things...........
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- We went out to Club Heat for 666 & it was much fun. How can anyone complain about bunches of hot chicks dancing in fetish gear??? Lotsa naked goth ass. I wore less than I have out in public in probably my life & I felt like I was completely covered. And hot black chick with the long hair….....short skirt….....little corsety top…....boots….....you know who you are, Ms. Hotness….....…DAMN!! Too fine. It was so hard to get Baby’s attention when girlfriend was anywhere near. Some guy hit on me for ½ the night & that made me feel so good. He was very sweet and cute. Squishy belly. I drank lots and it was great not having to go into work the next day until 1pm. It’s a real shame that their goth night is on Tuesday, b/c we really liked the place and felt at ease in very little time. Happiness without a gay bar. Who knew? Happiness going out to a bar....….even more surprising! Why the hell did we ever fear going out without S???? It was soooo much more fun without her. No one bitched the entire night. It wasn’t a sports bar! We’re kindof done with the whole “gay scene” in general right now. It’s all the same….men & everything sexual relating to men. Neither of which really interests me. You can’t go to a bar & get a drink b/c the bartenders ignore you. The music is sooooo old & tiresome. Gay Pride is nothing but a gay male sex expo. Last time we took the kid we had to constantly cover her eyes everywhere we turned. This is NOT the picture I want her to have of what it is to be a homosexual. The whole damn thing is so fucking stereotypical it makes me ill. I am more than that. I am more than a rainbow. I am more than drag queens & leather bears. I do not wish to vogue to Madonna. I do not wish to listen to karaoke at a sports bar. I am not flamingly happy. I own enough rainbow. I don’t need anymore Mardi Gras beads or condoms on sticks so that they look like lollipops. Shit. We’d get a lot further in this world if we had different representation. It’s just not us anymore. All I hear in the back of my mind is that the blood, sweat, & tears of our GLBT elders went into getting us where we are today.....…and we’re just throwing it all away. How could anyone be taken seriously in a tiara? Remember Stonewall? Remember Oscar Wilde? Remember Matthew Shepherd? Remember Harvey Milk? How about the thousands dead in the camps? We still have issue ever time we go to the doctors. We still have issue doing things with/for our child. We still have issues with getting health care coverage for all of us. We still have issues with being safe because of us just simply being alive. I’M NOT IN THE MOOD TO DO THE FUCKING HUSTLE AND FUCK YA’LL FOR ACTING LIKE BEING GAY IS NOTHING MORE THAN A PARTY. I digress……..............…………….. So, I’m turning 30 in 4 days. Yee haw. We’re not gonna be able to go anywhere & I KNOW they’re not gonna bother to go anywhere. They haven’t in all this time, why should they now? What about the vacation they’re going on in July, you ask? The one to make up to the kid for not keeping their promise to take her for spring break, that they cancelled & made another one that she couldn’t go on so they went just the 2 of them, so they made a 3rd promise to take her on vacation in July????? That one???????????? It’s only my child’s broken heart. It’s only planting of more seeds of hatred. Yup….they’re not gonna go b/c they can’t afford it. They could afford theirs, but not hers. Instead they had a sprinkler system put in their yard (the one that they took money from us for). The yard that hasn’t been mowed the whole time we’ve been here. The yard that doesn’t have any actual grass. That was waaaaaaay more important than my child. They haven’t even turned on the fucking thing to make sure it works. Fuck I hope that having them rot in the ground will be cheaper than cremation. Pissing on ashes would never be quite the same as pissing on their graves. Her grave. I digress (Part 2)….............……….…. Turning 30. I don’t really care other than it hurts beyond belief that at 30, this is my life. I wanted a steady job that made me happy (theatre), a loving & fulfilling relationship, a roof over my head that was mine, the ability to afford to pay all my bills without undo stress, to maintain my weight. I have the relationship part down pat. Other than the fact that she wakes up every day bracing herself to see if I finally killed myself in the night this time. I make her feel like she’s forcing me to stay alive. How is she not supposed to feel that way? How am I supposed to show & teach my daughter warm & nurturing love when I never got that as a child? I try so hard, but I know in my heart that when she’s grown I’m gonna have such resentment from her b/c I never showed her enough love and understanding. Got a pack of cigarettes today. Smoke free (minus 666 night) since 4/30. I haven’t had one yet, but I know I’m gonna. They’re sitting directly in front of my keyboard. Ok I had one. I feel better, I guess. Nasty taste. I’m gonna wrap the rest w/packing tape and we can have them when/if we go out to a club again. Mmmmm….......stale ciggs! I could go on and on in my own self-pity, but I won’t any long for this entry….....…C-ya, bitches….....………… endless fun….....……..5:18 p.m. - Monday, Jun. 26, 2006
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