You've Been Warned.......

"In the world I see....you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Tower. And when you look down, you'll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying strips of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned super-highway." - Chuck Palahniuk

"It is always simply a matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. The people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the peacemakers for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country." - Hitler's propaganda chief Herman Goerring

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NEGATIVE, NEGATIVE, NEGATIVE

Something is happening in my marriage and it’s killing me. It’s so hard to even think of trying to explain it. Before we didn’t really need words we were so scarily in sync with each other. Now we avoid words sometimes just to be on the safe side. We’re not “fighting” or “arguing” per se…...…we just end up totally stressed out and bawling hysterically & if we argue about anything……...it’s who’s fault it is that we’re upset & we always insist that it’s not the other one’s fault. Confused yet??? So are we. Hysterical, HYSTERICAL, that we’ve upset the other one and made the other one mad &/or sad and we’re so sorry and the other one is going on and on about the same exact thing. We can’t figure out for the life of us why it even matters if we’re both sorry and we’re both not mad at the other one. I don’t understand what’s going on. This past Friday was the first one since we’ve been on our own again that this didn’t end up consuming the entire day. She came to see me at lunch today, which hasn’t happened in so long, & we couldn’t even make it thru the hour. It’s tearing me apart. That’s really all that can be said about this…………...I wish there was more, but then we might could figure it out……...

Well bitches, I haven’t written much in here in a while. Work has been insanely slammed and we’re still just trying to get into a routine at home again. It’s getting there (other than the weird heartache). Baby’s school check came in today, so we should be finishing up the majority of the house projects in the next coming weeks. Yeah! We still haven’t gotten a new turtle-man b/c we’re waiting until the house is taken care of, so that should be happening before the month is out I’d think.

Since I’ve last written, I’ve come into contact with some people who I haven’t seen or spoken to in YEARS & it’s absolutely blown my mind! Two in particular I’ve never stopped thinking about and am so very grateful to hear from them! One of them is doing sooo well that I’d love to bitch-slap her. Bitch-slap her outta love of course…...ya…...…love……... Someone came across my diary and left me a message and I THINK I know who it is, but she never responded back to me. Very surreal.

My 3 day weekend, that I’ve been holding onto a shred of sanity for, sucked the big one. You just can’t win sometimes. I don’t exactly get a whole lot of vacation time at this job. I’ve been here since January and have only accrued 2 days worth, so I’ve been waiting on this past weekend for a long time. I’m not off again until Thanksgiving. The kid was supposed to spend the 3 & ½ days with the grandparents even tho she’s STILL grounded (a month today it makes) & we’d spend a weekend just the 2 of us and maybe it would help all the stress between us. WRONG. I was drugged all weekend b/c of the narcotics the ER gave me when I went Thrusday and didn’t get home until 1 am. As soon as I got home Friday I had to go to bed & Saturday baby went and got our kid. Redrum. REDRUM!! Anyhow………………....Friday night mom tells baby that their fucking dog is sick again and they might have to take him to the vet tomorrow. Baby is very clear about the fact that the kid is NOT allowed to go to the vet with them. Understand mom & dad would both want to take the dog, so why don’t they just drop the kid off here since it’s on their way to the vet, & pick her up on your way back?? Yes, mom says, good idea. I know, bitches, I know……...is it that obvious what’s coming next?? Baby doesn’t get much sleep that night even tho she’s sick b/c she’s paranoid the phone will ring and we’ll sleep thru it. No call. She calls my parents and no answer. She calls their cell phone and no answer. She panics and drives across town to their house AND NO ONE IS THERE. By the time I’m awake, baby’s already exhausted and ill. I completely snap & baby had to beg me to stay home while she went back over to their house again and got the kid because of my back…...but mostly because I wanted blood and it wouldn’t have been good for the kid to be stuck in the middle of that. They took her to the vet after they were explicitly told not to. They agreed not to. What if he had died just like the last dog that died right in front of the kid and it took us HOURS to get them on the phone again. That’s when we were in St. Pete and had to go next door to ask to borrow taxi money to get down here. They didn’t have the $$ and that’s when we were driving the death-trap that my father suckered us into. We weren’t stuck 2 hours away and we could go get our baby and so that’s exactly what we fucking did. First time I’ve given in and said OK to her spending the night since we moved out and this is what happens. People die every day, but they can’t?! Fuckin hell.

Soooooooo………...we spent the weekend going out of our way to be nice to the kid because of our needless guilt and she spent the weekend going out of her way to be a shit to her parents. Baby got up Monday and spent hours inflating a pool and filling it with water and she totally screwed up her back and shoulders and the kid was so fucking awful to baby that there was no way in hell we could allow her to step foot in the back yard. You know, the yard that little Ms.Thang cried about wanting so bad when we lived w/my parents! The pool she got for her B-day & hasn’t been ungrounded in order to use, but we were gonna let her anyhow. She’s just like her grandmother so fucking often I can’t stand it sometimes. A lot of times. Pass judgement, bitches, but if you spent much time with her……...….you’d understand. Others who’ve been around long enough have agreed. Her therapist could tell you a thing or two.

The dog, you ask? Ok for now, but will quite possibly die. They’ve almost killed him once before b/c he needs a super strict diet b/c of all the inbreeding it takes to make a pure-bred & they give him the same junk food that they live off of. They had spent a couple grand fixing him up before and now will have to do so again b/c he’s in the same exact mess.

NEGATIVE, NEGATIVE, NEGATIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow bitches……………..….I didn’t think I was in a bad mood, but apparently my typing shows something different….…..I don’t feel that angry, but then again I’m always angry. Even at 30 years old I have a hard time accepting I’m such a bitcher.

Speaking of me bitching! :o) I haven’t comment on anything in the news in so long! I know you’ve noticed mi puntas bonitas & it has been a conscience effort to be less……...……well…...bitchy. But I was also feeling a bit predictable on my opinions, you know? Can you stand it any longer???? ……...It’s a year after hurricane Katrina and all the anniversary was, was a publicity stunt for WASP power. Darfur is is still in genocide and now the government is “officially” seen as being a part of it (their government not ours, naturally. We never have a hand in the blood letting of Africa) & so now their government has signed a peace treaty with the “rebels” & so now both are slaughtering scores of people (if you missed out on Rawanda back in 1994…I just explained it. Different place in Africa, but it equals out to the same. Our country nor the UN can be bothered with Africans. Not important, didn’t you know? Wrong color??). Castro was in unspeakable pain and our president was the only leader who couldn’t be human towards the man, but urged the Cuban people to take the opportunity to revolt and become part of The Empire. 9/11 has become nothing more than a WASP publicity stunt brought to you by Corporate America. Israel was wrong. I don’t give a shit what’s gone on between these countries since time out of mind when it comes to this issue because only a coward excuses his actions based on the “they started it” defense…..Israel became just like their enemy when they pulled that shit. If you kidnap my kid I will never stop hunting you down and I will kill you myself. There will be no police. I will not, however, kill everyone in your family tree and surrounding neighborhoods. That would be wrong of me. What Israel did should have been considered beneath them, but they did it anyway. Bush gives speeches where he says he’s creating “a culture of life” & how he can’t in good conscience take what he considers a life in order to save others…….....and goes on an on about how all the deaths in Iraq are necessary in order to preserve our culture and lives. We will actively slaughter Muslims until one of us finishes the other off. We’ve been doing this since the crusades. We will never stop the slaughter & only supply the weapons to those in Africa b/c racism runs this country. The master may not beat you in the open any longer. The master lets you come in the house and wear the good clothes. The master lets you relax and feel you are loved. The master has always done these things. Nothing has changed. Women, people of color, people of non-christian faiths, hell…....even atheists……….....you can all sit at the master’s table. Just remember…....it’s his table. It will never be your table. When the shit hits the fan, the master will not hesitate in doing what he feels he needs to do. The master laughs at you, you know. Read your history while you still can. Dig deep for it b/c the real history is not in the books you got at school. So many of the slaves of this country truly believed it when the master told them that he loved them & they loved him in return for all the protection and luxuries he provided. Just like our current great president said…...and I quote……....”You can fool some of the people all of the time, and those are the ones you want to concentrate on.”

I love what my country should be and still could achieve. I hate my government. Unlike Vietnam, none of these soldiers were drafted into this. Some are standing up, tho. Happy thoughts, bitches………………….

5:11 p.m. - Wednesday, Sept. 06, 2006

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