You've Been Warned.......

"In the world I see....you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Tower. And when you look down, you'll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying strips of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned super-highway." - Chuck Palahniuk

"It is always simply a matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. The people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the peacemakers for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country." - Hitler's propaganda chief Herman Goerring

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The average divorce happens within 7 to 8 years.........happy 7th wedding anniversary............

Well, bitches, I haven’t updated this thing in too long. I had so hoped to log all the details of my happening, but work has been busy to the point that I’ve been sick for a while. Life hasn’t turned to total shit again….just…..a good bit of shit.

I still have my job & we are still in the same place. I’ve lost so much weight that I don’t have too many pieces of clothing left from 3 months ago. Seriously. All those things that I’ve been a pack-rat with and held onto for years even tho they had no chance of fitting…some of them had never fit to begin with….they have come in quite handy. My cute Tripp clothes I got in October are hopeless. This is why I had no choice but to buy more cute Tripp clothes!! I bought a mini skirt for gods sake. There is a pair of black Calvin Klein pants that I got in Virginia with S that never fit, but I couldn’t pass them up in hopes of one day loosing enough weight….they fit. They don’t look as good as I want them to yet…but the fuckers button and zip up AND I can breathe in them. Baby just went to the doctor today and she has lost over 50 lbs!! I don’t know my weight, but I can tell you that I’ve gone down 6 sizes. I have promised both her and myself that when she says I have to stop I will. I would be lying if I said that I am not afraid of what will happen if she says stop before I’m ready. We’ll deal with that when the time comes. In the meantime I’m trying not to think about it too much.

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Note too sure how long ago I started typing this, but I’d say it’s been a couple of weeks b/c so much has changed and happened that you wouldn’t fucking believe!!

We’ve lost more weight and those pants look just fine now. Baby, of all people, is under watch by her doctors for signs of eating disorders! I am eating better this week than I was……..

Our house has been literally infested with mold. Fortunately we caught it early enough to where the walls do not need to be gutted, but we lost both ours and the kid’s bedroom furniture. Not to mention a whole bunch of other stuff that just had to be thrown away. Baby and I have been sleeping on our mattress (which thank goddess is ok) in the living room. It’s like camping!..........really……….camping. The kid stayed w/my parents for about a week until we had the spores under control. Sadie got horribly sick & went into kidney failure & almost died. She stayed w/the vet a couple of days and we really didn’t know if she was gonna live thru one of the nights. She is no longer a fat kitty. She is an emaciated kitty that we are force-feeding daily and she’s getting more like herself every day. She is starting to meow again & even plays with my strings again. God, that was so hard.

Speaking of hard……….almost lost Baby. Came closer than we realized and closer than I ever hope to again. Damn medication that her 1st neurologist put her on 4 years ago (before she was diagnosed but we knew she was sick)……….almost finally killed her. No one would take her off of them and they’re too dangerous to go off cold-turkey, so she’s been stuck. These meds are for seizures….we then found out that she isn’t having seizures, she has MS……..ergo, no need to be on seizure medication. Side effects of these meds are heart problems/palpitations, increased anxiety, increased paranoia, depression, sleep disturbance…..and so much more!!

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Lotsa time has passed & I don’t know if I’m gonna write in this diary anymore. May create a new one that’s private. May just lock this one. May just abandon writing my thoughts & feelings altogether.

What can I say?? S has moved out, but we’re calling it temporary. I think we’ve done about as much damage to each other and to our marriage as we can & still be on speaking terms. When we do speak, that is. There are times when I just don’t know if I believe much of anything was her medication since I know now that I didn’t know shit before. Lies. Lies upon lies upon lies. The trust is gone, so subsequently the trust has to be gone for her as well. I would assume. How can you trust someone who is enraged and doesn’t trust you & can’t handle the slightest touch from you?? Especially since there’s someone else who’s made it pretty clear that they’d be with you in a heartbeat. I can’t still even tell her ½ this shit. I’m back in therapy. She’s in NA/AA. There are moments when I think we’ll get thru this. There are moments when I don’t think we have a prayer in hell and we are just not yet ready to admit it. There are moments when I don’t want to fix it. In those times, I think of D. Whom S goes back & forth on whether or not she’d EVER sign over parental rights of D to me under ANY circumstances. If S is relapsed, dead, in jail, in a state hospital, or just gone….what happens to D??? She automatically will either go to her next of legal kin, which is S’s mother or step-father, or the state will keep her. No 2nd parent adoptions in FL. S would have to give up all her parental rights. If we can’t fix our marriage I don’t want to stay in a loveless & unhappy one for D. That’s what my parents did. If we can’t fix our marriage, I can’t bear the thought of D going into any of those places.

S says she’s quit drinking & the weed. She’s getting a job. She’s starting to take care of herself….how long will these things last? What if it still doesn’t fucking fix it? Where she’s at right now, a ½ way house, we don’t have any time at all to talk about any of this shit. Not that we did any good at all when we did see each other for a couple of hours (it’s amazing how you can avoid being in the same house with someone). Does she still think she’s only done this one other time in our marriage? Does she still think that I’m just like the rest of her family & calling her an un-fit mother? Does she still think that I’m just like my mother? She tells me that I can sleep with the whole neighborhood & she’d forgive me. She tells me that if I cheat on her we are over. She tells me that when the house went into foreclosure in VA it was all my fault. She tells me that she would never hold any of the things she’s done against me nor does she hold any of the things I’ve done against me. She tells me that if she was me, she’d never speak to her again. She says I have every right to be angry at her and have every right to feel all of the feelings that I am feeling. She tells me that I don’t have a right to be mad at HER for all of the shit she’s done…I have a right to be mad at her disease. It’s not a cop-out. She can’t help it. She has a disease. She says she doesn’t hold my depression against me. She lied about how she broke her hand in October. All the full-blown anxiety attacks I had almost every time she got in the car and was the least bit upset…no need to have been that way apparently. She lied about her school checks. She lied about the attorneys with the school. The attorneys with social security. Attorneys with the bank. The bank. She lied about the bank fucking up my checks. She lied about the bank fucking up my tax return for this year. She lied about the $ she’s spent on many things. All those times she went into detail about the phone calls & the times she’s gone inside the bank & the school to argue about these things that they fucked up on & she was taking care of it & went on and on about how stressed out it all makes her….lies. She lied about the rent being taken care of. Our water got cut off & our landlord had to show up at the house for the rent $. That’s when I finally started being told things. Brings back old times. There is no $ waiting to be credited, as I had been told for several months, that will make everything ok. She spent it all. Had to borrow $2k from my parents just to be flat broke. More old times. I’ve got a rough guestimate of $5k or more that she’s blown. All my planning for our 7 year wedding anniversary in 18 days…there was no point. No need to worry about getting to the Marilyn Manson tickets in time. No need to worry about replacing all the furniture the mold ruined. No need to worry about major tattoos (even tho I am going w/J on her B-day & getting a small one for myself). Little things & big things all mixed in together. Big things stick out. Little things add up.

I get D up in the morning by myself & D says it’s nice to wake up to no one being angry (I didn’t know). I work. I clean. I take out the garbage. I pay the bills. I check the mail. I feed Sadie. I run the errands & shopping. I eat dinner w/my parents when I eat. I go out w/J any opportunity I can. When she was too sick & tired to work on the house…she was playing video games. When she was too sick & tired to work on the yard…she was smoking cigarettes that she spent our $ on & I was congratulating her on being smoke-free for close to a year. When she was too sick & tired to do much of anything…she was watching porn that she lied about how much $ she spent on it. I have beat myself up for years b/c I can’t control our $ better & I keep letting her do this. I have beat myself up for years that I am not a good wife nor a good mother. I have forgiven, & forgiven, & forgiven. Apparently tho, she doesn’t remember all these years or doesn’t count them b/c they weren’t bad enough. Every day she said she was too tired to do something, she lied. Every day that she said she called this place & spoke to this person, she lied. Every day she didn’t tell me, she lied. I beat myself up for years every time I demanded the bank card back & she got upset. I beat myself up for years every time I gave her the card back b/c I knew our $ was as good as gone. I can’t even being to think of how many times I was fine until I checked our bank balance…then anxiety attack time. She’s been in there for over a week now & yet when I go to check the bank balance…I still go thru a panic attack. My chest locks, I break out into a sweat, I start crying, I pant, I freak. I worked my ass off for a year to get that income tax return. Almost $3k. I worked my ass off for nothing apparently. I don’t see the point in making sure I’m paid for overtime b/c I would rather not be paid in the 1st place then to get the $ & know it was just blown on things like lottery tickets. She says I am not the person she married. She says I have changed. She says it’s like something has died in me. I tell her she is completely correct. She says, as she has before, that she’s afraid she broke me this time. I don’t feel broken. I feel fucking shattered into a fine powder and then blown the fuck away. Maybe J is just complicating everything worse & maybe I should leave her alone for a while, but I’m not gonna do it. S says that she’d understand & that we both have so much in common & she’d understand that I’ve “already gotten someone lined up”. I know the situation is not good, but I still find it highly insulting that she could think that I would get over my marriage so quickly as to “already have someone lined up” to take her place. That I wouldn’t need a long time alone to grieve and heal before I just jumped into another relationship. And what about D?? She didn’t even want D home until “we’ve worked thru this” even if that meant months & months. Even if that meant that our daughter would have already spent the last moments with the 3 of us as a family. I point blank asked her that and she concurred. Unacceptable. D is not growing up with my parents raising her. I had to put my foot down for her to come home last week. S almost didn’t even spend easter with us. It’s so fucking hard not to let my anger cloud everything. She stole $20 from my mom. I like coming home and the house looks the way I left it. I like doing things for myself. I like relaxing for an hour at night before I go to bed. I like not having the tv on. I like not stressing about what shit I’m coming home to after dealing with shit for 10 hours at work. I like not stressing about what won’t get taken care of. I like not stressing about what I don’t know. I like the idea that I will eventually quit being terrified that every time I check the bank all of our $ will be gone. I don’t like having to stress about hiding access to $ when she gets out in July. July!!! & I’m already stressing about it. I find myself not waiting in sadness till she comes home, but stressing about all the shit I’m gonna have to keep under lock & key. 9 days she’s been gone & I haven’t missed her.

She spent ½ her days watching porn, spending lotsa $ she lied about on porn, was too tired ½ the time for sex & wouldn’t bathe regularly for it anyhow….tells me that she won’t pressure me for sex, but has been pretty much relentless with the pressure about it ever since. Last Sunday she kept me up until 2 hours before I had to be at work…beating herself & the house, yelling at me, berating me, & drunk as fucking hell. She literally brought me the point where I was in a ball, hysterically crying, trembling uncontrollably, & saying over & over & over again, “I’m sorry. I’ll be good I promise.”. “I’m sorry. I’ll be better”. No matter what it was, “I’m sorry. I’ll do better”. Blamed me for the world & I apologized for it all. Told me repeatedly that I was just like my mother & I apologized & begged for forgiveness. This went on for hours. She yelled at me when I told her what time the clock said. I woke up trembling & puking Sunday & I woke up trembling & puking Monday. Where did all of that start you ask???? Because I was being pressured for sex and was gonna do my best to go thru with it in order to have peace for one fucking night & so I thought it would only be kind to say, “Just to let you know…there’s a chance I might cry.” I didn’t say that I’m in absolutely no mood for you to touch me in any way nor do I appreciate you not keeping your word that you won’t pressure me….no. I said there’s a chance I might cry. She says she doesn’t remember much about that night. She’s already been asking about sex again. Took her only 2 days to ask again & then cried when I said that I didn’t know. How am I supposed to know that she wants to be with me and it’s not that I’m simply a substitute for the porn that she can’t get her hands on? Cause she’s been so honest? I can’t just get over feeling like I was being abused in the blink of an eye.

Says she hasn’t lied to me since 3/22 when I started finding out shit. Yet there was $24 missing & she says she has no idea. Yet she said that she didn’t know the bank was so fucked up, but I opened mail yesterday verifying that since at least the beginning of march she was cashing my paycheck thru other means. Yet she promised she wouldn’t pressure me for sex. She has a job…no wait…she still has more interviews.

I can’t type this shit anymore. I can’t deal with it anymore today. I have a cold & I am exhausted. I’m taking my 4 day vacation next weekend instead of my anniversary weekend. I will probably be spending my vacation with J. I have no hope for anything right now. I have no hope for ever being happy again. Just don’t see how that’s possible for me.

12:21 p.m. - Wednesday, Apr. 11, 2007

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