"In the world I see....you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Tower. And when you look down, you'll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying strips of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned super-highway." - Chuck Palahniuk
"It is always simply a matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. The people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the peacemakers for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country." - Hitler's propaganda chief Herman Goerring
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31 Days…………………
04/25/07
Is what it took from the day I found out that all that shit was going on behind my back until it was officially over. It’s over. Sunday would have been 7 years of marriage. August 1st would have been 8 years back together. Would have been. It’s salt rubbed into the wound that because we were never legally married….it’s just over. Everything is in my name: lease, car, utilities, bank account. We never could keep anything more than that. No credit cards even. So it’s just over in the blink of an eye…..In the second it took to say it. It’s gonna take so long for this to fully sink in. I’m already used to that sensation tho.
I’m not wearing any rings at all right now b/c when I put my wedding ring on I cry & when I wear everything except that ring I cry. Saw her last night 4 ½ an hour w/the kid. First time since the….break-up?....divorce?.....I don’t know. We didn’t look at each other until it was time to go & that was hard. We were surrounded by people b/c an AA meeting was about to start, so that helped us keep it together. Kid doesn’t seem real phased about seeing S one way or the other it seems. Can’t read her on that right now. She wasn’t spending quality time with S before & she was shipped off to my parents, so she was out of the house a lot anyhow. I’m having to get D used to being at home on the weekends. We are finally getting to spend more time together and I adore that. When we left Mission last night we went to the grocery store together. Not a big deal, but it was time spent just the 2 of us…..so I guess it is a big deal. Maybe I should write about other stuff going on in my life. Doesn’t seem right to think about much else, but things are going on. The kid is back together with the boyfriend that she was with for the entire school year minus the last month or 2. She got excellent grades on her mid-term report. Even got a B in math! She really hasn’t been in any major trouble in a while. She’s barely been in minor trouble. Sadie has just started eating bits of dry food on her own this week. She is still underweight, but I can feel that she’s gained some. You can tell by looking too. Mom & Dad are still being really great towards me, which is a blessing. J & I are doing frightfully well. Wanna see where she’s taking me for my birthday??????? I guess I shouldn’t assume the pissy-ness won’t always be right under the surface. I am pissy. There have been a couple of incidences where it seemed that the only reason she agreed for me to bring D to see her was so she could get $$ from me. Yes, I am giving her $20 a week. 1 week she got xtra. Plus I have bought her a few other things. I’ve tallied up about $170-$200 I’ve given her in a month’s time. The only thing more expensive that I’ve shelled out for will be my fucking rent. So glad I’m saving $$, huh? I told her several times that for my mini-vacation I would be out of town w/J from Friday until probably Sunday (took off Friday & Monday from work). Saturday at the very least. Wasn’t even ½ way thru the day on Friday when she sends me txt msgs with the same old S shit in it. To bring you up to date. she told me on Wednesday she fell at work and that she didn’t notice the floor was wet and that 2 people had to help her up. Yes, she said she got a job on Monday at a gas station. Tuesday was her 1st day she said. Wednesday she fell & it wasn’t her fault. Thursday she said she had off work. I took D to see her Thursday. Friday she txt msgs me & says that she decided she had to go to the ER from her fall that morning. Said she had 3 broken ribs & injured her ankle & knee…..and surprise, surprise…..I just have to turn around and go back to town to give her her $20 early b/c she needs Tylenol. A month ago I would have done just that. I lost my happiness for about an hour and vented to J. I sent her back a msg saying I was in St.Pete/Sarasota & she needed to call my mom & tell her I said for mom to please buy her what she needs & I’ll pay it back. My parents took D to see her & they said S barely spoke to our daughter and didn’t want to be taken to CVS now. She wanted cash. Said that she got somebody to go get her Tylenol and she needs the cash to pay this person back. Uh huh. Of course 2 days later she calls me & wants me to buy her Tylenol b/c she ate a whole bottle in 2 days. Uh huh. Now the story is that there was no sign saying the floor was wet and she laid on the floor screaming in pain for 20 minutes before someone walked by and yelled at her and then she had to get herself up off the floor. Uh huh. She’s getting a lawyer (is that the 500th lawyer I’ve heard about??). She also put in one of her many txts on Friday that she was really worried about D b/c when my parents came w/her D was so upset she was shaking and couldn’t sit still and my parents were yelling at her horribly in front of everyone….and she’s just so worried about D…..will I come back to town to check on her? Is there anyone out there that this doesn’t all sound like complete mind-fucking bullshit???? D said she had a great weekend and that my parents were “in very happy moods the whole time”. I had to make the child come back home. S rarely wants to see D. I sent her a txt yesterday asking if I could bring the kid by. She says sure…can I have my $20 early this week? I am an idiot and told her she can have $10 now and $10 this weekend when I get paid, but the gas is on empty. So D sees her mother for about 20 minutes. Surprise, surprise….S just isn’t up for a visit tonight but she will “try to remember to call her before she goes to bed tonight”. I have plans w/J tomorrow and I’m not going there until Saturday after my therapy, when I’m already out, to give her the precious $$. How much you wanna bet that S won’t be up for a visit until then?? She’s always up for a visit on payday & when she wants something. She won’t see the kid hardly ever but still won’t sign the fucking papers giving me legal rights w/D. This way she can still control my life b/c really…..better give her $$ or she can just take D or have her thrown into DCF. Better keep myself in check w/J or……D’s gone. Better play nice and not be a bitch….or you know what!! ------------------------------------------------------ 04/27/07
I went to M&D’s & D was happy that we weren’t going to see S. That’s so fucking sad. When we got home I immediately picked up the phone & called S so D could talk to her. Chick answered the phone & said she was in a meeting and that she’d give the msg. S claimed that she was never told even tho she called the house within 20 mins. I literally….LITERALLY…gave D the phone and walked from her bedroom to the table & D was already done talking to her! I just looked at her & D said that S told her that she couldn’t talk b/c another meeting was about to start! Yet S kept me on the phone for more than 5 mins after I tucked D back into bed. She couldn’t have been on the phone with the child for 30 seconds. Tells me that she has to talk to me about something so she will call me back later. Calls back later and she tells me it’s just too hard to see us and she wants to make D’s visits to an hour on Mondays, 30 minutes on Wednesdays, & an hour of Saturdays. Real fucking nice. ------------------------------------------------------ 04/30/07
The kid had her school carnival on Friday & the 2 of us went from 3-6. It was so wonderful to spend the time together. It was great bonding even if I was fried, sore, & black from dirt by the time we left. Had a long talk with her teacher who told me D had been crying a lot the last 2 weeks. I didn’t know b/c she works so hard to hide it. I thanked her teacher greatly for telling me and this has helped my decision to call her old therapist and see if I can’t get her back in. I talked with D about it some and she opened up a lil. We were at a game booth when out of nowhere she turns to me and says, “Mommy….I feel so safe with you.” I still cry every time I think about that. I had to distract her while I talked so she wouldn’t see the tears. Told her that I was proud that I made her feel that way…& I am. J came over Friday night and surprised me with bags of groceries. She brought her fondue pot and made chocolate turtle fondue w/bananas, strawberries, pineapple, cheesecake, & pound cake. She also brought a bottle of Rex Goliath Merlot…..best wine I’ve ever tasted. You wouldn’t believe how much I had left-over. The kid was in HEAVEN Saturday. I just gave her a huge tray and set down a bowl of the chocolate and let her eat till her hearts content. She is singing the praises of J! Saturday when D & I were coming back from the grocery store & had just pulled up in the driveway, I looked over at she was bawling. Went on and on how she felt that all that was going on was her fault. That, “Mommy used to be so nice. SO NICE, but she hasn’t been that way in a long time and I miss her so much. I miss the way she used to be and I know it wasn’t all my fault. Like 80% wasn’t my fault, but I knew not to talk to her while she watched TV. I knew not to bug her when she played her games.” “She sent me to my room all the time. Sometimes I don’t think I did anything.” She’d tell me, ‘that’s it! You’re gonna stay in there the rest of the day!’ & she’d shut my door.” Oh god this rips my fucking heart out! I just cried w/her & held her. Told her over & over that none of it has been her fault. Told her I will keep telling her that until she starts to believe me. Told her I was so sorry it happened. So sorry she was scared and alone. So sorry I didn’t know. -------------------------------------------------- 05/01/07
Saturday night I dropped D off at Mission w/S b/c they have bingo every other Saturday night. Gave D an xtra ½ hour to see S & S barely had to directly talk to her daughter. Sunday would have been our wedding anniversary. D & I got up early and after a brief detour of having to go over to Mission & pick up S to take her to CVS (even tho she said she wouldn’t make me see her that day) & then dropping her back off….we went over to J’s house. D & T, J’s 6 year old son, INSTANTLY hit it off. I swear I’ve never seen her immediately be at ease w/another kid. They played in the pool, shot nerf guns, played w/toys, watched tv, played video games….not 1 time did they seem to get on each others nerves at all. At all. D & T both have already decided that they are best friends and we should make this something we do every Sunday. They also think that the 4 of us should have sleep-overs at J’s house. D says that J has a huge bed that I can sleep in……oh god. J & I are endlessly amazed at the intelligence of our children. It was so nice. Everyone was so happy & relaxed. Late in the afternoon T had a soccer game so we went home, but then J came over to the house later that night. Did I tell you that I FINALLY went to one of J’s hockey games??? It was on the 23rd & oh my fucking god she looked FINE. I have never been into uniforms of any kind but…….jesus fucking christ! & you wanna talk about good?! No wonder she was invited to Las Vegas for a national championship! Her league championship game is this coming Monday. I’ve already told D that we are hitting some games next season. S can kiss my ass if she has a problem with that. She gave me her old & favorite jersey. It’s got a huge maple leaf on the front even tho she’s on an American team. Canadians! ----------------------------------------------------- 05/02/07
Last several days I’ve comforted D crying over her mother. Every day after work this week I’ve gone to my parents to comfort her as she cried. Last night I asked S to be the one to have to tell D that she can only have 3 visits a week & she couldn’t even do that right. One of my many constant jobs over these years….Damage Control. I will handle things from now on. It is just taking a little bit of time for it to sink in that I am really on my own. It just hit me this morning that I have joined the ranks of “single mother”. There’s always more details I can write, but so much of it is getting pointless. S is constantly on her “pitty pot” as she likes to call it, which means she’s perfectly aware of how she sounds. All day long I get txt messages that are all about her in the end….needing me to do shit, $$, wallowing in her own self-pity, wanting me back, & ½ of them tell me that she’ll leave me alone until I’m ready to talk to her. Those are my favorites. The messages and calls saying that she’ll back off until I’m ready & then it’s no time at all before she’s contacted me again. Funny how most of her calls & messages don’t revolve around her child. Well, D can see her for about ½ an hour for her Wednesday visit tonight. I’m sure it will be very fulfilling for her. J is coming over later tonight. She always calms me back down.
11:48 a.m. - Monday, May. 07, 2007
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