"In the world I see....you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Tower. And when you look down, you'll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying strips of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned super-highway." - Chuck Palahniuk
"It is always simply a matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. The people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the peacemakers for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country." - Hitler's propaganda chief Herman Goerring
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I can finally write honestly about J………….
05/07/07
I was really beginning to wonder if I’d ever get to post my last entry or not. Damn servers.
D was out of school Thursday & Friday with a fever which was part of her emotions for the week beforehand. Of course, the fact that she has started her fucking period also explains a lot of the emotions. Yup, you heard me correctly there sports fans. She started her god-damn-mother-fucking period. Mind you, it’s not real blood yet…..lets just say there is some tinge of red going on….ok….but FUCK. I will say since Saturday she has been emotionally very upbeat. Really upbeat, so maybe she’s going to be ok after all. S always said she was 9 when she started and that her mother was the same. I was 16 people!
Thursday & Friday S & I were going off on each other all day. She calls me at work early Thursday and says she wants (again) to sign some paperwork on D for me showing she’s in my care. Says she’ll do temporary custody and that some chick at the house will type it all up and we’ll have it notarized and taken care of. I’m really happy for her and the red-head at the house and I’m really glad that she is ok with letting these people make all of her decisions for her, but none of them are professional attorneys. Call me crazy, but I think that when it comes to the welfare of my kid……drug addicts are not the people to trust. So, I say yay & great & thank you & that I’m gonna run it thru an attorney…..and all fucking hell breaks loose. She’s upset b/c I don’t trust her to do what’s best for D! Yes, she said this. Again….it’s all about S. Over the course of many text msgs & phone calls n 2 days she now says that someone in the house says power of attorney is enough & again…..she hasn’t lied to me since she’s been at the house so why can’t I just trust her to do what’s best? (I’m loving these kinds of comments from her) Trusting her is how I got where I am today, bitches. Well I made & kept my fucking appointment on Friday with the lawyer and it was the smartest thing I’ve done in a while. He said that temp custody is really the only option right now. Said that because of all the clauses I’d have to include in a power of attorney in order for it to cover everything, it would have to go before a judge. Said if it goes before a judge that DCF will automatically be notified & S will automatically be stripped of her parental rights, declared an unfit mother, & D will automatically be put up for state adoption. Gone & nothing I could do about it. Said if I went for full custody without already having a temporary custody agreement in place it will have to go before a judge…..then we have the same outcome. (did you note the “without already having a temporary custody agreement in place” part??) Temp custody……just sign, notarize, & file with the county. No judge & no DCF. S need’nt know that once I have the temp custody in place that the second she decides she wants to break it…..my attorney said he will gladly handle the filing for full custody. I’ll keep it temp until she tries to end it. He said that b/c I’ll already have technical custody, DCF won’t be able to take her automatically. They will be up my ass investigating everything on me…..but I have nothing to hide anymore & I mean nothing. Must’ve just slipped my mind to mention that lil bit of legal advice I got Friday.
Saturday S woke up on her flip side again. Now she’s sorry, I’m right, she knows the temp custody is best, she will sign it. Gave me a card Saturday & she referred to me as “my wife” in it. She knows we can get thru this together. She loves me. She so sorry for the way she acted. Can’t imagine why I don’t want to live with that anymore. You know, since I have to give her $$ every week….I bought that fucking card for myself. I would have preferred she give me the cash since she hasn’t paid back anyone 1 red cent.
I ran my ass ragged on Friday trying to get shit done and S was such a bitch w/her whining & attitude & self-centeredness. Because I actually get shit taken care of……then I must be lying about my chores & errands & I’m just wanting to be w/J. Because I let D stay with my parents, like I have been every Friday, It’s just b/c I want to be w/J. She really wanted to see D b/c she’s soooo worried about her cause of her being sick & her period & now she can’t b/c I let her to go my parents. How many times do you think she called her daughter @ my parents house the 2 days she was home from school to check on her??? Once. Take a wild guess about whether or not she called that one time on her own, or if I told her to call. Of course, take a guess on how many times she’s called her daughter period. 5 maybe? You think one of them she did without me telling her to??? Even tho I offered a fuck-load of times to go get D, bring her over to S, & then take her back on Friday (even tho I didn’t have the time)……oh no……she won’t ruin D’s plans. Well you fucking decided that you could only handle seeing your daughter 3 days a week. However…..the truth always comes out…..what she was really pissed off about & what she really insisted upon was getting her fucking $20. God I hate her!!!! So I stopped everything, changed clothes, went to the bank, & drove it over to her. I told her later that next time lil Ms. Red-head is there….I’m leaving w/her $$$, so keep the bitch away from me b/c if I have to endure her looks while she shakes her head at me one more time I’m gonna snap her lil head off. She can have S. I will help her get S & save myself a lot of grief. I will not take the attitude.
J came over that night &, as always, calmed me down. She brought me homemade French onion soup & Caesar salad (homemade dressing). She is one of the many reasons that I’ve locked my diary. I don’t want S invading my privacy on anything anymore. She lost her right to my personal life. I also need to vent w/out worrying about her doing something to get back at me & I also need to start writing openly about J.
J. Met her my 1st day of work @ this place (01/11/06) & I was floored. I blushed. She’s gorgeous. Went home that night & told S about her. Harmless fantasy for almost a year. I see her most every day and as time went on we talked more and more. Amazing personality. I am still looking for a flaw other than she has a turtle & frog phobia….but that’s just cute & funny. Ok…..I’ve got a new friend, I’d think to myself. That’s great. She never need know the reaction she causes in me every damn time I see her. Sometimes I was very disturbed & worried & guilty at some of the thoughts I had about her. I’m a happily married woman, I’d think. Looking & lust are one thing…….but why do I sometimes wish I was “single”. I could have her if she ever wanted me sexually….so why “single”? Why did I think about her a lot when I was away from work? I thought about her more than once while S & I were having sex. In all fairness, in the last couple of years I had to use my imagination most of the time while S & I had sex. Not being mean, but it’s the truth. The only reason I went to that xmas party on 12/9 was b/c I knew J would be there. I never wanted S to go w/me, but I felt real guilty about that. I wanted to spend time with J. I was so unbelievably nervous, but not b/c of the strangers there. B/c I wanted to look good for J & I didn’t want to make an ass outta myself around her. I knew she was married. Granted, I didn’t find out she was married until I’d known her for 6 months and her mother mentioned a son-in-law. J had already quit wearing a wedding ring when I met her and she never mentioned anyone other than her son, T. J has since told me that she intentionally never mentioned her husband. (they signed the divorce papers Friday, by the way) I wanted to see how close she & her husband were. I didn’t want them to be close. Told myself it’s just cause I want to sleep w/her & hubby would complicate things.
She has told me that from our first meeting, she had the same reactions towards me. That she’s never really looked at anyone, much less a woman, that way. That she hoped I would come to the xmas party & that it wasn’t just a coincidence that she never left my side that night. She’s admitted that even tho I was upfront since the xmas party about my disgustingly perfect marriage, she thought that it couldn’t be that great if I kept seeing her. I swear I didn’t realize that I’d never once mentioned I had a wife before then, but I can believe it. She said that I introduced S as “my friend” at the party when she came to pick me up. I didn’t intend to. She’s said she hoped that I wasn’t happy for her own selfish reasons. I can’t tell you all the ways that she’s changed since the party. I can’t tell you all the ways that I have as well.
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05/08/07
Mom’s bringing S over during lunch to sign the temp custody paperwork. S is still on her up-swing, so I’m riding it for all it’s worth. One of my co-workers is a notary, so they’re all gonna know what’s going on now. I don’t care, but it’s hard to explain sometimes when they ask where S is staying now……big, pink AA house.
J won her championship game last night! Said she also found out that she placed 5th in the entire league standings. She has so many talents. The woman can pick me up with one arm for christ’s sake. I know I don’t weight anything close to what I used to, but still! Even tho she is definitely more “soft-butch” than “femme”, she’s all woman. Nothing like the gender issues that came with S. Lacy bras, people. She will occasionally wear some foundation. Little cotton panties. Painted toenails (which I’ve done twice for her). She’s painted my toenails. Now that we are divorced and my diary’s locked I can say this………….S got to where she walked around the house w/a fake dick in her boxers. Whenever the kid wasn’t around it was constant. I had to eventually say something. I had to tell her no on wearing it in the Circle. Frightened yet????
I first kissed her on 01/24. We first made out on 02/07 & we finally had mind-blowing sex on 03/04. She’s insatiable. Her husband hadn’t touched her in almost a year & I just assumed, like most basically celibate people I’ve known, that she just didn’t have a high sex drive. OH MY GOD was I wrong! She’s just never been properly laid before in her life. I never knew I could have 8 orgasms in a couple of hours. My mini vacation a couple of weeks ago….first time we spent the night together. I stayed at her place both Friday & Saturday, but I spent almost the entire 4 days with her. She stays at my place on Fridays while the kid’s at my parents for the night. She lets me sleep for maybe, seriously, 2-4 hours before she wakes me up again. I’m becoming a perky morning person. Seriously.
Since I was first aware for her returned attraction towards me, within a week after the xmas party, I knew that I was playing with fire. I knew that I was heading down a slippery slope. I knew that if she ever made an out-right pass at me I wouldn’t say no. I would tell myself to stop…to back off….to walk away….it’s not too late. Then I’d take one look at her and all resistance would be gone. I have no regrets. None. (Totally off the subject, but the entire world outside is yellow/grey from all the damn brush fires down here. The smoke is everywhere and you can’t see the sky at all.) We talked constantly in the beginning that there would be no strings attached if we ever slept together (and it would only happen if S was in the room, of course). Just casual fun. Human sex toy. When her friends, whom I’ve met almost all of them, ask what we are…..”she’s my grey area”. We’re not just friends & we know that. “Lovers” sounds stupid. We are in a grey area. My therapist knows all about her and says she’s sounds healthy for me. Works for me! I’m happy when I’m around her. I’m calm when I’m around her. It scares me a little.
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05/09/07
She signed the papers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can’t believe she did it! She didn’t have a fucking choice if she didn’t want the kid taken away. She was not happy & I don’t give a fuck…she signed the papers!!!!!!! God, I cried once she & mom left. I can’t describe the joy I feel today at life in general.
That is something else…..my state of mind & emotions in the last month should be, in my opinion, so vastly different than what they are. I didn’t realize that I had completely forgotten about it until I saw it getting an envelope at work today……but for over a year now I have kept a razor blade hidden in a cabinet at work. I never told S & I work with unbelievable amounts of paper…..kindof hard to notice a real paper cut from hell versus a little slice from a blade. One of the coffee pots at work is metal bottomed……also pretty easy to explain the red blisters on the palms of my hands from work. Ditto with rubber band welts. I had forgotten about these things. Truly amazing.
Did I ever tell you what (else) J & I did on my lil vacation? She took me to the Selby Botanical Gardens in Sarasota. Breathtaking! She even went into the poisonous frog house for me! Blue & purple frogs!! We went to St. Armand’s Key & had dinner after walking around. We spent a lot of the time in bed, of course.
More to write but am gonna go ahead & post this thing…………….
5:16 p.m. - Wednesday, May. 09, 2007
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