You've Been Warned.......

"In the world I see....you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Tower. And when you look down, you'll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying strips of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned super-highway." - Chuck Palahniuk

"It is always simply a matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. The people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the peacemakers for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country." - Hitler's propaganda chief Herman Goerring

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My letter to Sarah......cause I'm a lazy bitch....

Hello! Yup, I have always believed my dorkiness is part of my charm. Are you ready to read a novel??...

Well, on the outside Jacinda seems overtly normal & even yuppie-ish, but underneath she’s about as odd as I am (which, I find, is part of her charm). Considering the high-maintenance snob her mother is...she’s totally low-key. Having said that...she is a bit of a yuppie with her collection of Polo & Ralph Lauren clothes, Starbucks addiction, & a house that’s nicer than my parents. A lot of these things are due to her mother and soon-to-be ex-husband (paperwork was filed with the county a while ago, but everyone’s just waiting for it to be updated thru the system). Mother’s money & husbands snobby “keep up with the Joneses” attitude. Her mother owns the printing business that my company uses for all of our blue-prints & so I’ve seen her almost every day since I started working in this place a year & ½ ago. It’s just the two of them doing the work plus one part-time chick, so Jacinda makes a nice living but is in a very similar situation to you in life with the mother connection/issues. Thru the business/mother there are a lot of things paid for and discounted. Its really weird that it’s already starting to spread over to me in that Sharon (Jacinda’s mom) took Darrell’s (Jacinda’s soon-to-be-ex) cell phone away and has given it to me! I find this hilarious and couldn’t say no. (Side note: For $42 a month I’ve got unlimited texting to all Verizon phones, 500 non-verizon texts, 1400 talk mins between 3 cell phones, & unlimited nights & weekends. Can’t say no. I’ve already called to have my house phone cancelled & save myself about $40 a month)

Her mother goes back & forth with how she deals with me. Sharon already liked me before Jacinda & I got together, so that helps. I never liked Sharon, but I can deal with her. She’s a drunk & totally mind-fucks J. J’s payment for the monetary stuff is to be treated like a 12 year old half the time. Sound familiar, sweetie? I’d say that’s the #1 issue with her & I can deal with Sharon. #2 issue would be her son is a bit spoiled, but not an Evil Brat.

Darrell is also a drunk & abusive (mostly verbally). He’s never beaten the shit outta her, but I’ve gotten confirmation from Jacinda’s friends that he’s pushed and shoved from time to time. Jacinda’s deceased father was also an alcoholic, so I seem like a freak-dream in my lack of drunkenness. Somehow she has managed to avoid being a substance addict of any kind, which boggles my mind. She’s never even tried drugs. Drinks on an occasion & tried smoking when she was a kid. I’ve been around her drunk once, on her Birthday (6/2), & she stayed sane & kind & controlled the whole time! Somehow she’s avoided developing an eating disorder, which is also amazing. Her mother signed her up for Weight Watchers when she was 8 & has no problem talking about Jacinda’s weight in front of her and to anyone. Sharon is a plastic surgery addict.

What else about her???........She’s so damn different from me, but not in any important ways. She listens to almost only the Cowboy Junkies. After that it’s the Go-Go’s, Janis Joplin, & the 80’s channel on her satellite radio station. She’s on 3 hockey teams and my mom finds it hilarious that I’m “with a yuppie & a jock”. She’s got a touch of OCD, but isn’t a nazi about it. Very, very neat & clean. She’s heard just about every odd thought & theory & opinion I’ve got and hasn’t blinked an eye at a single one. We joke that her light & my dark balance each other out. She’s got brown eyes, dyed short red hair, pale skin, a couple of freckles, totally pear shaped, pierced nose, 6 tattoos. She is so very damn nice, smart, responsible, independent, & funny. We know the timing on us is terrible w/the dust not even settling on our previous relationships, but I’m happy, Sarah. I didn’t realize how paranoid Sasha made me & how unhappy I’ve been for years. I know in my heart that I’d still be happy without Sasha even if there was no Jacinda, but I’m really glad she’s come into my life. Go ahead and lay on the rebound talk...I got it coming. :o) We have talked that if everything keeps going the way it is...then next summer we may try living together. We are in no hurry.

Thought you’d like the plant thing. I gotta tell J about the plant living on after the flower croaks. Of course Sasha doesn’t want either one of us to tell Des. Nor does she want me to tell M&D, but I’ve told her I’ve already done that. If I don’t tell anyone then she can go on pretending it’s not over and it’ll also leave open a loop-hole for her to con her way back in. She’s still going into denial off & on about us being over. Last week I got the attitude about telling Des & she said that if I tell Des “you just gave up on me because I am sick then what’s to keep her from believing that you’ll just get rid of her if she gets sick?” I told her she was delusional and that I wouldn’t even dignify that argument. Everyone says, including Sasha’s own grandmother & mother (that’s another story), that I’m gonna end up having to tell Des on my own and that it’ll be better coming from me anyhow. I know they’re right, but god-dammit...shouldn’t have to. I think the red-head has either checked-out or been kicked-out b/c I haven’t seen her in a while. Poor Sasha. Boo hoo. As far as when she’s getting outta there...t’s not like a Snowden, but an actual ½ way house. No health insurance or doctors or anything like that. There are people who have lived there for decades. She will probably never leave unless she’s kicked out or she finds someone else to con into taking her on. After all...she’s sick and can’t help it. You are supposed to stay clean & sober, pay a certain amount a month rent, keep a job working at least ½ time, & do a certain amount of chores...and that’s it. She just keeps either “getting hurt” or her “MS is acting up” & thus far she’s avoided the working & paying rent part. Me thinks this won’t last too long. I’ve already got her key back & she’s been told she can’t ever sleep over at “my house” because she’s admitted that she can’t be trusted. Girlfriend is Home.

Tell you mom I said, “Hi” back. It is fucking huge & that’s what I cant’ seem to get thru her thick head. Our entire marriage was a big lie. Our entire marriage she lied, stole, cheated…..the whole 9 yards. But yet I get….”I can’t believe you won’t give me one more chance!” WTF? I keep telling her that I’ve given her 7 years of one more chances. All the different lawyers and nothing ever went anywhere. All the different schools and nothing ever went anywhere. All the mystery $$$ from lump sums missing to the constant checkbook never balancing to always having to ask why something cost so much this time. Drugs, drugs, drugs. Lottery tickets. So much and it was our entire fucking marriage. I look at her and feel nothing but disgust. Ask away on your million questions cause (1) I don’t mind & (2) it’ll just help me process it all.

Am glad to hear that you’re doing ok. Congrats on the house, the promotion, the car, and the new Sadie. Bet the Basset is too damn cute. My dad is fostering kittens thru the animal shelter this summer and the 3 of them are ganging up on me like mad to take one home. I am doing my best to stay strong. Am sure there is a bit of stress with your mom staying there. Is this a permanent thing or temporary???? I’m sure it’s putting a strain on you and Beth. ***deleted cause prob was too personal***

I almost lost my sadie a couple of months ago & I also have Sasha to thank for that. Kept asking her if Sadie was ok cause I never saw her and Sasha was very adamant that she checked on her often & she was ok...just always asleep under the bed. On 2/21 Sadie started throwing up and wouldn’t stop and that’s when I pulled her outta the bed & Sarah…..she was emaciated. I lost it. I had to go to work so Sasha took her to the vet and she was in kidney failure, but said they didn’t know why. They kept her overnight, but didn’t think she’d survive. Since I work for a living & am there for 10 hours….Sadie’s recovery was up to Sasha. Daily medicine & force-feedings, but she was barely showing any improvement. I already was getting suspicious of the care she’d been getting b/c I was starting to see some real improvement in the girl since it was just me taking care of her and logic would dictate that she’d get a lil worse without any day care going on. 5/14 I come home from work and she literally had peeled all the skin off of her back left leg from the hip down and ate it. It reminded me of a skinned rabbit & there was no pelt to be found anywhere. She wasn’t scratched up or anything. It was a very clean peel. Blood was everywhere & again….I lost it. Sadie acted as if she had no idea she’d done it. Call M&D & took her to the ER vet &…..long story short….$1000 & 2 specialists later….they believe she did it because she’s basically gone mad due to Feline Anemia. So, it’s just old & dying blood and it’s not getting enough oxygen to her brain. They really don’t know why she did it, but she’s not in any pain. Dr said she has the skin and body of a 17 year old cat & wanted to put her down, but if she’s not in pain….hell no. So my cat is a sure win in an Ugly Pet Contest….bandaged/bald back leg, shaved front arm, shaved belly, one eye, cone on her head covered in cat food, & snot everywhere. Oh….and she’s got bald spots everywhere where her hair is falling out due to the anemia. I have found out that there should have been many more meds given to her for the kidney failure & have since found them in the house. She should also have been given a lot more food. Within a month…one fucking month…..sadie is eating on her own & is up to 2 cans a day & she has put on so much weight that she’s almost healthy looking. They still don’t know how long she will live, but she’s already lived longer than expected. We thought I would be lucky to get in a few more days. Her leg is almost healed which means she’s producing new blood & that’s a good sign for her living a lil longer. When it’s healed I will try taking the cone off & seeing if she does it again, but I am fully prepared to leave it on for the remainder of her days. An odd side effect in all of this…..she has become the most loving lap-cat you’ve ever seen. This is NOT the Sadie we all knew. All she wants to do is eat and make biscuits and sleep on me.

So, I could just be dense today, but am I to understand you have Verizon now? That’d be great w/my new phone cause I could text you freely. My cell number is: *************. If you want to call I am usually home & free between 7:30 – 9pm. I am one busy chick right now between Des, my parents, work, & Sadie. You can text anytime. I am still learning how to use the phone, but I’ve forwarded some pics of Jacinda & me off of it to you. Two of them are from her Birthday & one of them is a pic of a professional pic of Jacinda & her 6 year old, Trevor, that she had done over xmas. She’s literally lost around 50 lbs since then, but they both look basically the same. Yup, the chick who didn’t want any kids is putting herself in danger of someday having 2 (and didn’t give birth to either one!). As far as birthday gifts go...you don’t have to get either one of us something but I know you enough to know you will anyhow. Something terrible & smelly would be perfect for me in case I ever get lonely for Sasha. As far as Des goes...she wears a size 16(!!) now & is really into blue & black...her room is done in navy blue, silver, gold, & bits of dark lavender...she loves anything & everything My Chemical Romance (says the lead singer has “bewitched” her)...The Littlest Pet Shop stuff. Those are the biggies with her.

Well, am sure your eyes are falling out from reading all of this. I will probably just post this email as my next diary entry since I’ve filled you in on the biggest things going. Write me back & if I haven’t said it yet...I do miss you & I am glad to hear from you.

2:54 p.m. - Wednesday, Jun. 13, 2007

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