You've Been Warned.......

"In the world I see....you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Tower. And when you look down, you'll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying strips of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned super-highway." - Chuck Palahniuk

"It is always simply a matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. The people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the peacemakers for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country." - Hitler's propaganda chief Herman Goerring

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The Times, They are a Changing.......

2 days after I wrote that the bitch served me with the papers, right in front of the kid, to have Des returned in 60 days. This made it the day before my bday she pulls this. 60 days would have had the kid moving in the middle of her 2nd week of school. This way I can loose time with Des or be the bad guy. Could have been writing stuff all along, but why record the minor, painful details? My life is flipped upside down and once again I’m starting from scratch. I am seeing signs that maybe….just maybe….all of this is for the best. Aren’t most things in the end??

The depths of depression I had fallen into frightened me. The thought of loosing Des. Unbearable. It’s only a phase & am already starting to come out of it, but I’ve spent most every night since S gave me the letter drinking as soon as the kid goes to bed. May not be much for some people, but that’s more of a binge than I’ve ever gone on. Nerves. I don’t want to start hurting myself again. Jacinda has hardly left my side thru all of this. Sarah has been in constant contact. It’s all been a great help. I have wrecked & cleaned my house. I have been in the middle of the yard, in the fetal position, wailing. I have totally given up and am slowly coming back around again. In the land of the free, Queers do not count. I am legally a roommate and babysitter, so there’s nothing I can do. Her worthless “mother” didn’t even have the decency to show up for the kid’s birthday (more later on that) & now she’s taking her away from me. She’s changed this time for real and now wants to be a good mom, tho. My time is technically up on the 28th of this month. School starts on the 20th, so I’m gonna hand her over on the 17th (possibly sooner). This way she’ll have the weekend to get situated (& I can have the weekend to stay blind, stinking drunk) & I’m not letting the kid have to move after school has already started. Des gets to live in a ½ way house for drunks & addicts. She’ll have to share a bedroom with Sasha. Des gets the top bunk. Joy. I’ve been to 2 attorneys & all over the Department of Children & Families….legally their hands are tied & they really tried.

Made it thru my bday without loosing it in front of Des or my parents. Bitch had the nerve to wish me a chipper happy birthday the morning after she handed me the papers. I had to go sit with her and work on Des’s therapy homework. We fought before I could get outta there. (It’s all a big coincidence that she suddenly wants Des back in less than a week from the day she found out that she won’t be getting any more cash assistance or food stamps from the government at the end of the month. Big coincidence that I tell the kid about the divorce, therefore making it solid and cemented that we are thru & are NOT getting back together, and then she turns evil on me.) Went to dinner with M&D, Des, & Jacinda. J got me a silver cuff bracelet with, “Well behaved women rarely make history” engraved on it, beautiful camel skin box, beautiful silver box, black jeweled labret, & the best one…..framed certificate from the National Arbor Day Foundation showing that for my birthday 31 trees were planted in my honour. She even took Des out to the mall to get my present from her…D got me a silver bracelet with turtles & a silver anklet. M&D paid my car tags & got me $50 which I used to join BMG & got an ass-load of CD’s.

Sarah came & visited and it went well. It was great seeing her & there was only some really minor stress having to do with Jacinda. It was weird & great seeing her again. It had a mix of the strangeness of seeing & hearing Sarah again mixed with the feeling like no time had passed at all. Thought her normal sized boobies would have thrown me for a loop but I didn’t even notice at first. We tried in vain to get trashed together, but that at least made it like old times when going out to the bar just didn’t work out. LOL. She got xtra time with the kid b/c they didn’t leave for their vacation until Saturday. She looked great. She went way over-board on me, as usual, & got me a beautiful necklace that she made, turtle toe ring, fabulous jacket, & an AMAZING Dionysus tattoo the totally covers the marriage one on my back (the rainbow triangle with the inter-locked rings). God, it’s great! When it’s all done I’m gonna get J to take a pic and I’ll post it up here. Sarah got a killer Picasso tat on her arm.

Had the kid’s party at Chuck E. Cheese’s and it was a raging success. Kid made out as usual and she had a good time. Hope & Jason & Xander came. Heather bailed. Sasha could find the correct restaurant to call and try to sneak in making the hostess say that the Happy Birthday song was specifically, “Dedicated to you by your mother, Sasha.” BITCH. Informed said hostess that NO it was from everyone and I paid for it all. However, she calls in the last ½ hour we have the table reserved, during presents, to say that she & the other loosers thought it was the one in Fort Myers. They drove all around Fort Myers, she said. Uh-huh. She still had plenty of time to be there before we left that night. Never showed. I got the kid a new comforter set, new curtains, earrings, anklet, voodoo doll for bullies, & a silver pig piggy-bank.

She has said, repeatedly since my bday, that she now has an official job at the ½ way house and will be getting an actual paycheck & “as soon as I get paid next week” she’s gonna start paying me and my parents back $$$. Cause she’s on Step 8, you know. As soon as she gets paid “next week” I’m gonna see that dough. My car a/c has died and the rest of the thing is fading fast. Nothing I can do about it. Maybe Sasha’s $$ will help. You think??

Jacinda’s taking me to see The Cure on 09/13 in St. Pete!!!!!! I am way excited!

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Dionysus Wikipedia entry

Hymn to Dionysus: The God of All Things Wild

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We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words,
are said too much
they're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes
They're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things
Will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

3:26 p.m. - Tuesday, Aug. 07, 2007

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