You've Been Warned.......

"In the world I see....you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Tower. And when you look down, you'll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying strips of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned super-highway." - Chuck Palahniuk

"It is always simply a matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. The people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the peacemakers for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country." - Hitler's propaganda chief Herman Goerring

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So, it’s over & done……………

08/20/07
I asked her (knowing what the answer would be) if she still wanted to move out on the 17th or do it the 12th so she’d have her last week of summer with her mother. She chose the 12th. I spent 2 days making her falafel with cucumber sauce, hummus & pita with sliced veggies, Salatat Bathinjan (an eggplant appetizer), & Farareej Mashwi (broiled chicken dish) with zucchini ….which, by the way, was all excellent. Yes, I panicked about her last meal with me. I wanted it to be wonderful. She ate until she felt ill.

She spent the whole weekend not seeming to care AT ALL that she was leaving me. But you know….she’s spent the last month not seeming to care. So many people have said that the kid just seems cold & selfish. I’ve always known that, but always beat myself up for being too hard on her. (Sharon said she gave her the creeps. Blonde1 said the kid seemed to not care at all about me. Jacinda said she didn’t seem to have any respect for me. Sarah says this is why she shouldn’t have kids.) By Sunday my nerves were totally shot for many reasons, but I finally had to say something about her making perky lil comments about me missing her. Smiling & saying, “yup! You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone aren’t you, Kristie?” “you sure are gonna be awful sad after I leave!”……Trah la la de dah…..damn kid! Didn’t you ever care about me?! Ever?! By Sunday I was sobbing about how after 8 years I don’t think either one of them ever truly loved me. 8 years I threw away for nothing. Is it is so hard to love me? I haven’t typed out the gory details, but this is in no way the first time she’s been this way to me thru this. This is in no way the first time that she’s made horribly cruel comments to me all perky about how it’s gonna rip my heart out when she leaves. Or giggling about the fact that mommy may never let me see her again once she moves out and…giggle….that would probably make me real sad…giggle.

I didn’t chew her out, but I started crying in front of her. I didn’t want to, but I’d held it in for a couple months now & had only gone off on her once in all that time. She voluntarily went to her room and after I calmed down I went back there and she looked like she was crying. Said she felt bad that she made me cry & she was afraid Jacinda was mad at her. Lied and told her Jacinda wasn’t……but that she was just very protective of me and doesn’t like seeing me hurt (which is true) and so that’s probably all you’re seeing on her face. Told her that this was tearing me apart….of course…..a few minutes after I got up to take a shower, I walked back by her bedroom………aaaand she was humping her pillow. This kid has Problems.

With an hour left to go before S & the WONDERFUL James&Diane were scheduled to show up (4 pm), I sat on the couch and pretty much made the kid sit with me. Her utter lack of concern for me aside….I needed to hold her. She wasn’t friggin giddy anymore at least. I didn’t want her to be hysterical or anything…..just not so damn giddy to be leaving me in front of me is all. She asked if mommy ever signed the paperwork I’d given her guaranteeing me visitation. Told Des that she hadn’t. She then said that it’s probably because of all the things she’d said about me….

- What things?
- *confused & panicked look* I thought I told you what I’d been saying.
- No you didn’t. I’d only guessed you did since you’d been saying bad things about everyone else.
- Oh, sorry. Guess that’s one of the reasons she didn’t sign the papers.
- No, Des, that’s THE reason she didn’t sign the paperwork. Nobody would sign papers guaranteeing you could visit me if they think I’m abusing you.
- Oh, sorry.
- Well…..They’re here.

That was my last few minutes with her. Nice, huh? They had perfect timing. Only brought a truck and an SUV & those bitches were filled to the max when they were done & that wasn’t even all of the stuff I set out there. There’s still some more. I’m debating on making them come and get it all or just borrowing my dad’s truck and dumping it all off on their front door. Both have their pluses and minuses. Anyhow…..3 of them show up and James the Genius looks at all the stuff on the porch and asks Des what’s hers. Gives him the same look J & I gave him (idiot!) & says “all of it”. They fill up his truck and take the stuff out of the trunk of my car and actually think they are done…oh no….EVERYTHING in that car other than the god damn floor mats is going. Loved the look of panic on their faces as they had to get creative on the last few bags. I told Sasha on Friday that I was filling the car up as full as I could with Des’s stuff and the rest would be on the porch so that way there was no excuse for someone to try to think they could come in my house. Told her to bring the fucking AA van. Idiots. The poor deprived kid has more than a couple of things. That worthless son of a bitch James started singing “Memories” while they were packing up the vehicles. Des is going to good people. Bitch gave me papers to sign saying that I’m voluntarily handing Des over early. She LOVES giving me papers to try and force me to sign right in front of the kid!! Told her that they were completely unnecessary….well my lawyer advised me to have you sign it so I need it done….(James is not a lawyer & she can’t afford a lawyer & a lawyer would’ve never done that)….I don’t see the point…..well, I need it done because it’ll make me feel better….i’ll think about it….I need it done by tomorrow…..I’ll think about it. We have yet to mention either one of our lil pieces of paper that the other’s given to have signed.

I held my own while they were there. I said nothing about the singing. Nothing else about the paperwork. I hugged her and didn’t cry in front of her or them. I shut the door behind me in the house and lost my shit. Somehow Jacinda managed to hold me while I screamed “no” over and over again. I literally collapsed in her arms. Some part of me kept thinking that I needed to stand up because she couldn’t hold me with her shoulder being injured, but I couldn’t stand. I was shaking all over. She finally carried me to the bedroom, laid me down, & just held me while I sobbed.

Eventually I calmed down and we ended up going out to dinner with my parents. It was a nice evening. I stayed the next full week over at Jacinda’s house & called out of work that Monday. I checked in on Sadie every day, but it’s still hard being there. Des has called me almost every day. I am surprised and touched. It was over a week before she ever called my parents. Sasha waited until Wednesday to fess up to the kid that she’d have to switch schools, but she JUST found out. I told them both at the end of June that she’d have to switch schools if she lived there. Des missed out on her first day of school b/c Sasha didn’t bother to register her ahead of time….but she had to miss her first day b/c the old school didn’t send in the paperwork in time. Same old Sasha.

------------------------------------------------- 08/27/07
The Cure concert has been postponed till “early spring 2008” according to the band’s website. Said it was due to wanting to concentrate on the album they’re finishing. *insert whine* J & I agreed to not have the tickets refunded, but just wait till we can go see them. Better late than never. Did I mention we’ve also got tickets to go see the Tampa Bay Lightening vs. the Toronto Maple Leafs in December?? Going w/Trev.

We got up super early on Saturday and went to the Sarasota Farmer’s Market & got lotsa goodies for next to nothing. It was a wonderful day! We got all kinds of fruits & veggies & tried lotsa new ones…..white eggplants are gross!! Smoked gouda is to die for. We had lunch at an authentic Vietnamese restaurant & got some kind of minty, cold noodle/veggie/pork thing. It was fabulous & I have NEVER had a better eggroll. It was a very good day indeed.

I haven’t seen Des in 8 days. Am getting quite depressed over it. I feel bad on top of it that it’s put J in a weird position. She so wants to be supportive & is…..but she hates seeing me hurt and hates seeing me cry & wishes to god that I’d just walk away from the kid. She’s not alone in this. I wish it too sometimes even. I pry it out of her but then she feels horrible cause she thinks she’s not being sympathetic enough. Vicious cycle.

4 months ago last week my marriage was officially over. 5 months ago last week I found out about this whole new round of deceit & lies….& my marriage was completely over for me. Labor day weekend I will have been living on my own for 5 months. My daughter’s been gone for over 2 weeks. Tomorrow the 60 days is officially up and Sasha doesn’t have to be afraid to never let me see Des again.

5:29 p.m. - Monday, Aug. 27, 2007

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